I am back

Sorry I have been a way for so long.. I have lost weight and gained a lot of self esteem. I realized that I may not be able to control my environment however I can control my weight. I workout five to six days a week between 40 minutes to an hour. Emotionally, I am currently in limbo now. I don’t know how I am going to get there but I do know where I want to be. That is where planning kicks in..


I found this on Wiki. I hope this can help you too. God bless.

1. “Write down the problems that you want to solve.

2. “Use brainstorming techniques to write down everything — everything — about your problem.”

3. “Determine what's different about your current situation from where you want to be.”

4. “Write down your goals for each part of the task.”

5. “Put the goals you need to do into groups or 'chunks', and put those in the proper order.”

6. “Set a time limit for your plan by choosing a realistic date for when you want to achieve a given goal.”

7. Write your plan on one sheet of paper, or print it out that way.”

Source: http://www.wikihow.com/Form-a-Plan

Patterns

pattern - blueprint: something intended as a guide for making something else; "a blueprint for a house"; "a pattern for a skirt"

This week I have undergone a ton of stress. Like many Americans, I am suffering through a recession. One thing has emerged from it. It has forced me to recognize that I have to adapt to survive. It also forced me to recognize that if I want things to change that I must change me. That takes self-reflection. Self-reflection is an honest assessment of myself. The good, the bad and the oogly (my word for ugly). Trust me it is not pretty.

As you know, I am not happy with what I look like on the outside. I have gained so much weight. Thank God I am working on that. What is on the outside is only a reflection of what is going on in my mind. Now its time to work on the inside. After my self-reflection earlier this week, I recognized that a pattern has emerged in my life. It was my ah-ha moment. To my despair, I realized that I am on the same emotional, mental and financial path as my mother w/o the physical abuse she endured.

My mother was a woman who worked hard and sadly lived hard. She limited her development to care for a partner who was abusive and did not contribute to the household. She also cared for her children. She did so purposely and foolishly without asking for child support. I believe she was giving permission to my father to abdicate his responsibility. She did this because she did not want to be seen as a gold digger. She blamed herself for her situation and thought we children were solely her responsibility.

While growing up my mother was the typical matriarch. She was the super woman who cared for everyone but herself. My mother thought she could do it all by herself. She lived through her children. She also sought the approval of others and gave help to people who were never willing to do reciprocate to her. She did so to the detriment of her spiritual, mental, physical, and emotional health.

Today even though her burdens are lighter, the flesh wounds of toil, struggle and pain still are fresh and lay bare. These acts of mental self-mutilation have left her with nothing but bad memories, financial struggle, poor health and a lifetime of self-denial.

My heart aches at the things she went through. My heart hurts with the realization that I was unknowingly following the same path she was. She did not do this on purpose. Children are more than likely to model the behaviors of their parents. She was my main mentor. I only followed what I was taught. However, there is an upside. The upside is that once a pattern is recognized it can be broken.

Are there any patterns in your life that need to be broken?

Last weekend it rained like crazy and I was unable to run. I have worked out four times this week and I will continue to this weekend. Enjoy your weekend!

You have a message!

“Every happening, great and small, is a parable whereby God speaks to us, and the art of life is to get the message.”~ Malcolm Muggeridge

This morning I was feeling down because I am dealing with internal family pressures that are within my control. One day I will get the courage to deal with them. However, this afternoon I received a message that I needed to hear. Sometimes a message is gently delivered other times the message is delivered cold. My message was delievered frozen.

Today I walked to a restaurant and picked up a yummy salad (w/o dressing) and I saw a wonderful sight. With bagpipes playing like a movie sound track, the graduates from the local college were marching in rhythm towards their law school graduation ceremony. It was a wonderful vision to see people proudly donning their cap and gowns who were of every age, race and sex.

I walked along with them but I stayed across the street. The route they were taking was the same route I had to take to get to my office. This was in front of a park. So I decided to sit and watch the rest of the precession. Once the entire procession passed, I crossed the street to my job. Right before I entered my building a man dressed in a uniform looked at me and said, “That should be you.” I replied, “Maybe next year.”

Once I gathered my bearings, I asked myself, “How did he know that I had a lifelong desire to go to law school become a lawyer? Why did he tell me this message and why now?”

I believe that God, Nature, or fate tells us messages we need to hear. Sometimes we recognize it, other times we are deaf to it and sometimes we are just too afraid to acknowledge it.

Today I heard my message. Now I just have to come up with the resources to pursue it. I urge you to listen to your message.

Today I did cardio for 45 minutes. Tonight and the rest of the weekend I will lift weights/ cardio and hopefully I will do something I have not done in months, I will run. Have a great weekend!

WE WEAR THE MASK

WE WEAR THE MASK
We wear the mask that grins and lies,
It hides our cheeks and shades our eyes--
This debt we pay to human guile;
With torn and bleeding hearts we smile
And mouth with myriad subtleties.

Why should the world be over-wise,
In counting all our tears and sighs?
Nay, let them only see us while
We wear the mask.

We smile, but oh great Christ, our cries
To Thee from tortured souls arise.
We sing, but oh the clay is vile
Beneath our feet, and long the mile;
But let the world dream otherwise,
We wear the mask!
by: Paul Laurence Dunbar (1872-1906)

This poem was written by Paul Laurence Dunbar. Dunbar was trying to explain how African Americans dealt with white supremacy. Even though African Americans were smiling on the surface underneath the mask, the lie, they were hurt and wanted to be heard. African Americans were silently screaming for freedom, equality and justice. This message is still relevant today.

I want to look at this poem from a different perspective. We all wear masks every day to deal with our realities. I do it all the time. In my office, I walk around smiling while underneath my mask I am begging for help.

In political settings, I wear the mask of being a knowledgeable hard charging political activist who is willing to participate in any task thrown at me including speaking at various events, protesting, campaign work, lobbying and traveling for days at a time. Underneath my mask, I am tired and resentful because I feel like my work was not being rewarded or acknowledged.

At home, I wear the mask of supermom. I try to do everything by myself. I play the role of family doctor, nurse, cook, mentor, life coach, psychiatrist, tutor, mediator, house cleaner and the bank of mommy. Underneath my mask, I am resentful of myself for allowing this to happen to me. I have ambivalence towards my significant other who seems content with the situation because he benefits. His mother did the same thing.

I dealt with these pressures by eating food. My mask is not limited to my smile or my “sunny” disposition. It also includes my weight. I gained weight because I used food as a comfort. Food was my friend who would not take advantage of me. Food was giving and was not taking away. As my resentment grew so did my size. My weight made me invisible by becoming my barrier and my protection from others who would hurt me.

Today is the second day on my journey. I am taking off my mask by saying food is no longer my friend. I am taking off my mask by admitting that I cannot be everything to everybody, it's ok to say no and yes I need to ask for help from those who love me. I recognize my problem and I have decided to end this abusive relationship. I am admitting like anyone else who is recovering from an abusive relationship that every day is a work in progress. I have to remind myself that food does not say I love you and it cannot conduct a meaningful conversation. Food cannot pay my bills, solve my problems and or comfort me. Only I can do that. Only I can change my life. Today I did cardio for 60 minutes and I was exhausted. I have started to eat clean.

Food is an essential nutrient for life but not for enjoying life.

What mask do you wear? When will you take yours off?

"Mommy why are you fat?”

Today I have decided to change my life. The realization recently hit me like a ton of bricks. Which came courtesy of my eight year old son. With love and concern he asked me flatly, "Mommy why are you fat?" My family chided him but he was doing what kids do. He was being honest.

Today I went to a FB page called Black Women Do Work Out. Looking at the pictures truly affected me. It is an inspiration to see healthy women in fanastic shape who look like me. The women were all sizes and ages. The page quite honestly forced me to reflect on my lifestyle, my choices and the kinds of food I consume. What I realized is that I eat food out of emotion and not hunger. I eat (not the healthy foods either) when I am happy, sad and or just plain bored. That is unhealthy and down right nuts.

Society constantly floods us with images that perpetuate unhealthy stereotypes and lifestyles of black women. Sadly, we reinforce this. Ever heard anyone say, "It's great that you want to lose weight but you don't want to be white girl skinny"or "you do not want to lose your butt." I unfortunately have. It's sad that it is 2010 and people believe that fitness is an attribute exclusively for white people.

I am a educated, smart and fun individual. Or at least that is what my family tells me. My behavior and personality is hardly stereotypical. However, as hard as it is to admit, my eating habits and my body are. I eat anything that has been fried, processed or BBQ'ed and I rarely eat fruit or veggies. I am at the heaviest I have been and that includes my two pregnancies. I am 5'3 168lbs. My body is composed of 29.6% body fat.

Gandhi said, "Be the change you want to see in the world" and he was right. If you are defying stereotypes (as a black woman I always am) the best thing is not to be one. Most importantly as a parent I am an example and role model to my children. It's time for me to do what I tell them to be. To aspire to be the best example and me I can be.

Growing up I was taught that the ultimate act of love was selfless love. That meant sacrificing everything including my health for the well being of others. Today, I realize that taking care of myself by working out and eating right is the ulimate act of self love and self less love. This act is for me, my family and God. Taking care of ourselves shows respect for God's or Natures creation. It also ensures to ourselves and family that we will be around for a long time.

Just in advance I would ask you to forgive my typos and grammatical errors and I will make plenty of them. I look forward to sharing my long journey towards self reflection, good health and a little bit of mommy hood. The only question left is will you join me? Feel free to share your journey. God bless.