Patterns

pattern - blueprint: something intended as a guide for making something else; "a blueprint for a house"; "a pattern for a skirt"

This week I have undergone a ton of stress. Like many Americans, I am suffering through a recession. One thing has emerged from it. It has forced me to recognize that I have to adapt to survive. It also forced me to recognize that if I want things to change that I must change me. That takes self-reflection. Self-reflection is an honest assessment of myself. The good, the bad and the oogly (my word for ugly). Trust me it is not pretty.

As you know, I am not happy with what I look like on the outside. I have gained so much weight. Thank God I am working on that. What is on the outside is only a reflection of what is going on in my mind. Now its time to work on the inside. After my self-reflection earlier this week, I recognized that a pattern has emerged in my life. It was my ah-ha moment. To my despair, I realized that I am on the same emotional, mental and financial path as my mother w/o the physical abuse she endured.

My mother was a woman who worked hard and sadly lived hard. She limited her development to care for a partner who was abusive and did not contribute to the household. She also cared for her children. She did so purposely and foolishly without asking for child support. I believe she was giving permission to my father to abdicate his responsibility. She did this because she did not want to be seen as a gold digger. She blamed herself for her situation and thought we children were solely her responsibility.

While growing up my mother was the typical matriarch. She was the super woman who cared for everyone but herself. My mother thought she could do it all by herself. She lived through her children. She also sought the approval of others and gave help to people who were never willing to do reciprocate to her. She did so to the detriment of her spiritual, mental, physical, and emotional health.

Today even though her burdens are lighter, the flesh wounds of toil, struggle and pain still are fresh and lay bare. These acts of mental self-mutilation have left her with nothing but bad memories, financial struggle, poor health and a lifetime of self-denial.

My heart aches at the things she went through. My heart hurts with the realization that I was unknowingly following the same path she was. She did not do this on purpose. Children are more than likely to model the behaviors of their parents. She was my main mentor. I only followed what I was taught. However, there is an upside. The upside is that once a pattern is recognized it can be broken.

Are there any patterns in your life that need to be broken?

Last weekend it rained like crazy and I was unable to run. I have worked out four times this week and I will continue to this weekend. Enjoy your weekend!